Where I'm Investing Life

Recently, I learned that Dads have a problem.

I felt the need to make this post, particularly because us Dads have a lot of problems already, (and our families love us regardless of those), but this particular problem felt big enough to share.

Here's the problem: We've been told time is money.

As CTO of a large multi-billion dollar company at 35, you'd think I'd be pretty happy with myself... and I am. We've worked really hard to get where I am and my wife and our young family have had to make a number of sacrifices to make this happen. Some of these sacrifices included moves when we didn't want to, strange cities, new people, new homes, etc.. While this may sound quite exotic, for those with children they know one move can be tough... six moves in five years is pushing it. One of my good friends is a brilliant electrical engineer and he and I often discuss the strain modern life exerts on the modern Dad and ultimately the whole family to "really make it work." Not just scraping by, but thriving and growing. This is a hard thing to grasp and dudes handle it different ways. Some guys (many guys) bury their heads in their work and "double down" to impress the boss or work crazy hours to build the next big thing and while I've been there and totally respect that. I think we are missing something Dads.

Here's how it hit me... I was smoking my pipe with some really good Black Forest tobacco and a couple of knuckles of Middleton Rare Whiskey on the back patio after the kiddos had gone to bed and then I realized something.

This is it.

This is the big epic thing called life. And while I was having an existential epiphany similar to some pimple faced, college kid backpacking through Europe... I was struck with this thought.

How am I investing life?

I started by looking at what I had done in the past...

My wife and I have survived two startups prior to me becoming a corporate stiff and I remember the time it required for me to be away from her and our (then) newborn to provide and ultimately put us all in a better place.

It was tough. Really tough. 

The tremendous stress, late nights, airports, meetings and the other "time sucks" all took their toll and while there were some good bits, there were some really rough bits in there too. I began to look back at that and wonder if I could have done anything differently...not from an angle of regret or remorse, but genuine questioning. After about 10 minutes of that I determined that the answer was no.

For starters, if I hadn't done those things and learned all of the lessons I had, I wouldn't have been prepared for my current position and career path. Secondly, I'm a big believer that just like tempered steel, families can emerge stronger from pressure. They can also break and we as Dads should be mindful of that, but I can say that our young family emerged stronger. Lastly, I attribute a lot of personal growth to that period in my life. Running a startup is a lot like being a dad. No real instruction manual and you can REALLY mess things up if you get it wrong. It helped me grow as a man and forced me to understand the value and impact of good and bad decisions.

Then I thought about what was I going to do in the future??

Then I thought, well what the hell... I can't do too much about that. While I can make smart decisions, tackle problems and make plans... the future has a way of doing its own thing. Still I felt discontent. Why wasn't I a billionaire already? Why hadn't I taken a company public for a gazillion dollars? What was wrong with me? Then another item hit me. Business porn.

I've now stopped reading Inc. and Fast Company. Period.

What a gigantic waste of time. What initially started as what i thought was a relatively harmless even professional habit of reading those publications in an effort to learn as much as I could and prepare myself for the next chapter in my professional life... what I found myself doing was racking my brain about what new business I should start next or what the next new thing was to become the next multi-billionaire. What a crap effort, not to mention the fact that it had begun to permeate into my thoughts and my life and recently I realized where the value was being placed.

Money.

Look money is important. It's hard to make it work without it and as Dads, we provide. That's part of the gig. Us Dads are responsible for being the rock of the family. This comes in not only financial support but emotional, physical and mental support for our crew... that's our deal, it's what we signed up for.

A lot of what Dads do relates to making sure we are balancing the right things while making sure that our spouses and the little people who look up to us and watch our every move have better opportunities than we did. And while I was providing financially I had become too focused on the money; I wasn't sure I was investing.

It made me more caught up in the question... How am I investing my life, now? ....And why haven't I thought more about this before?

I landed here. Time may be money, but money isn't life.  

I think this is a hugely important distinction to make that we aren't told and sure as shit isn't in the handbook. Investing your life in other lives -- and being present in your children's, your wife and your friends lives has epic returns. Part of Life is time yes, but it's also thoughts, love, prayers, a gesture and support.

We can all use more of these and Life is one of those things that always offers returns. I encourage you Dads to be present and the next time in your on the porch, garage or man cave... think about how you are investing life. It's the only real resource we have.

Fatherhood, Craziness and Loving it All.

One morning I was taking care of business, when my five year old daughter started banging on the bathroom door and asked me, "Daddy, is it a pee or a poo?" while my almost two year old son just kept yelling, "Daaad-ee, Daaad-ee" in the background.

Now how this information is in any way useful to my daughter, I'm not sure. However I couldn't dedicate too much brain power to figure that out as my imagination quickly went through all of the possible scenarios on why my son wants my attention. One of them involved an acetylene torch that he somehow or rather managed to grab from the garage, the other is a shattered iPad that he is trying to eat.

Then it hit me.

Life didn't always used to be this way. 

Before I was a dad and when I was single, I was never asked which bodily function I was performing while in the act. I walked around in my boxers most of the weekend. I could go and have a beer with friends at 11a and watch football the entire afternoon. I could read a whole book in one sitting. I could spend a stupid amount of money on stupid things. Nobody cared.

What happened to that life?

I mentioned this to another dad and my cousin, Eric at a barbecue recently and we both "went there." Thinking about the wild parties, the freedom and how we both had a completely different set of priorities. After a collection of sighs and slugs of beer we both laughed it off and basically ended the conversation the way any of these conversations end...with a series of "those were the days" cliches followed by a discussion on his new sweet ass grill.

As I was pushing my kids on a swing in the yard later that afternoon, (with a good single malt within reach) I thought to myself "you're a dumb ass dude." This is ten times better than when you were single. You are raising little humans who love you and equate you to a super hero. People who are some day going to run or ruin the world and its your call which one. And then self realization hit... number two, the reason no one cared what I did when I was single was just that... no one cared.

I'm now surrounded by a wife and kids and family that care about everything I do. From what I want for breakfast to why I'm oiling the garage door and of course which number it is while I'm in the loo. Everything I do matters to these people now. It's an unreal amount of pressure at times, but like all good dads I'm learning to take it a day at a time. That drinking is okay. And to always, always keep it real.

Thus the birth of this blog. To identify with other dads out there in a judgement free way, who are doing the best they can being really damn good dads. It ain't always pretty. Sometimes it's hilarious, tragic and most of the times messy, but we'll do our best to keep it real for everyone as we experience this thing called fatherhood together.

If you don't like it, that's okay too, this is probably for our own therapy more than anything.

- B